You know what I really want. If I were to be honest, I don’t know what I want. Haha. You know it better than I do. So now I’m asking, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go (?), ’cause I only want to be with You. I don’t want to fear anything anymore, except that holy fear that I am waiting for You to give me.
I will have to admit that this has been the worst season of my life so far. Up until I left the Philippines, I though that there could be nothing worse than a break-up, or giving my heart away to the wrong person at the wrong time. I thought there was nothing worse than not being in a romantic relationship once I’ve already been into one. But right now, I just know there is nothing worse than being separated from You. There is nothing worse than breaking Your heart, and having to resist You.
And yet, I know that even in the worst season of my life, You never deserted me. Even in my bondage, You’ve always been faithful to me and Your promises, ’cause that’s who You are. Amusingly, my mentor, Dana, was right. You were going to give me the gift of discernment, that when I go into a room, I would immediately sense the spirits in the atmosphere — like how I know now that in my own country, no matter my age and maturity, the attacks are more on my emotional purity. The whole duration of being in Los Angeles, the attacks had always been on my sexual purity, ten times worse than when I’m in the Philippines. I’m afraid to go back to L.A., ’cause I don’t know if I will grow more if I do. I’m afraid that my flesh is too weak to give in, and that my sin will build a wall so big between You and me again. I’m afraid that I might feel isolated and lonely again, even with my friends and spiritual family around me. I’m afraid that I will have to feel that I don’t fit in again. I’m afraid that I will be handed over to the enemy again, even though I know I will go through this with You. I believe fully in You, but I don’t believe in myself anymore. Somewhere in between that, I’m afraid to put my trust in You, and then betray You yet again.
If I stay, I don’t know if I’m fulfilling Your will here. I don’t know if I will get better from the state I’m in. I don’t know how to be secure anymore, when everyone around me is trying to get me to be insecure so I can be who they want me to be, for the better. I don’t know if it’s time for me to rest here, or if I should go and take a bigger leap by going against the opposition and the persecution, even though I failed the first time. I am humbled down, and I don’t have peace and joy. It seems like wherever I go without You by my side, I will never have that. But where will You be? Where do You want me to go?
When I realized that You are true to Your promises because that is who You are, I realized that You will come through, no matter what I did for and against You. I wish I have Jonathan’s “perhaps” faith, that I may go through the opposition and the persecution again and just say that perhaps the Lord will act on my behalf, because nothing can hinder Him from saving (1 Sam 14:6). But then again when You said I would go out of my comfort zone (and to my shock, to another nation), You also said You will bless me there, and You will bring me back home to my family. I may have gone through hard times, but Your faithfulness is the greatest blessing I can have. Have I already been blessed the way You want to bless me? Is it already time to go back home? How can I know? I don’t trust my wisdom at all.
I know that You know what I want. I’m getting an inkling of the idea that at the root of it, all I really want is You. And I know that wherever You lead me, good or bad, will always be for my best. I pray that You will give me the desperation to seek You with all my heart, that I may hear from You. And I pray that You will give me the strength to do what You want, and not fear anymore.